I woke up this morning at about 3:30, which is unusually early, even for me. The strangest part (as if 3:30 isn't strange enough) is that I woke up with a sense of urgency. No, not like that! It wasn't that I sat straight up in bed (although that seems to happen sometimes lately), it was that I woke up thinking that there was something I had missed... something I really needed to do. Something very important.
I ran over the usual list of things that cause panic.
Did I leave the iron on?
* wouldn't matter, it turns itself off
Did I leave the door unlocked?
* not a chance, I never open the front door
Did I leave all the cupboards in the house open?
* psshhh! that would just be crazy!
After laying there for about an hour I decided to get my rear in gear and go to the gym. I did some ellipticalling and terrorized the guns for a while, but could not shake the feeling that I had left something unfinished. You know how when you can't remember a word (like hypochondriac or ellipticalling)... how it's almost there but you can't quite bring it to the surface for a few days? It was like that.
I did have a minor distraction at the gym again today (and this sidetrack is related, so I don't wanna hear about it). There's one particular dude at the gym whose looks have been... puzzling... me for some time. I don't know if you know this about me (c'mon. what don't you know about me by now), but I'm kind of mean. And I'm a hair snob. Well this dude has a really lousy haircut... not quite a bowl cut (but pretty close), not quite a crew cut (too long) a little balding spot on top and a really long face. (and dude, if you're reading this and wondering if it's you... it is. shave it off and start over!) For weeks I've been trying to figure out:
1. why would anyone cut their hair like that?
b. could a monkey and a penguin ever be friends?
4. who does this dude look like?
Well, this morning it hit me. It was like I finally remembered that word I couldn't place. I figured out who he reminds me so much of. You wanna know who?
Well I'm not gonna tell you. (Did I mention that I'm mean?)
And after I figured out that he looks like Beaker from the Muppets (I'm not very good at keeping things from you), it was like the dam broke (thank heavens I wasn't on the dam road!) and I figured out what was missing, the very important thing that I had left unfinished. You wanna know what is was?
Do ya? (here we go again)
Well, I'll tell you this time.
It's me. I'm not finished. I am not as awesome, as whole, as complete, as together as I could/should be.
I have been through a tremendous amount of growth and discovery over the past year, and it has been an awesome journey. But I have been doing way too much slacking off lately. I could use the excuse that I have a whole lot going on, that I've been so busy with all the company from out of town or that I've just stayed up too late every night to get in shape for Black Friday. But the truth is I have lost site of why I started the new Dee in the first place. And this loss has affected my work, my workouts, and my attitude. It's made me angsty and pouty and a little bit doubty. (even thought that rhymes, it doesn't look good on me) You might have even noticed that it has affected my writing (that is, you would notice if I had actually written anything lately). :-/
I still have my inspiration, my muse, my distraction... more than ever in fact. and I still have you! (that just seems redundant) But I seem to have forgotten the motivation, the thing that drove me googly in the first place. And that is the desire to be a better me, and to spend more time with people who make me better, and doing things that feel right and good. Don't get me wrong... I still find myself to be completely awesome. I just have been resting on my angsty butt-cheeks for too long, waiting for things to happen. Now it's time once again to turn up the heat and pump up the awesomeness (that's a lot of awesome I know, but we are talking about me here so you have to expect that) and go get what I want. The only thing stopping me is... me!
I started making a list (surprise) of the ways to bring out even more of Dee (it's okay... you can be scared). You wanna know what I came up with? You want me to stop asking you if you wanna know things?
Well you're just gonna have to keep coming back for more to find out. 🙂 Some of those things on the list you may never know about unless you're really good at the stalking thing, because it's tough to display attitude on a web site. But most will be shared with you here through my ramblings and rantings. I think it'll be a lot of fun and I am so happy to have you come along on the trip (we're past due for a trip anyway). Don't worry, I'll keep you posted along the way. Be warned... I might ask you to help me out a bit from time to time; maybe you can drive if I get tired? (you know you want to)
So... you ready for more?
Then c'mon already! Let's go find out how awesome we can be!