Yesterday was a pretty tough day for me. Call it post melodrama depression ((okay, can we move on from the melodrama already?)), call it associations with the time of year or call it the fact that I really am crazy, but it was not a wonderful time. In fact, by the end of the night I was pretty sure that whatever distraction has been keeping me engaged for the recent past had deemed me unworthy, moved on and left me to my own devices (oh that would be boring).
So I let myself feel bad for myself, watched one of my favorite movies and loaded some Seether on the itouch with the intent that starting tomorrow (which would really be today) it was back to serious business with me.
I'm not sure if you remember a few posts ago we discussed how I've tried before to be something I'm not, and how that really never works out for me. Well, this time it didn't even start working out for me. Seems that my intuition takes over when I need it to and brings me back to you.
This morning on the way to the gym, I made it through Broken (most excellent song) and had to throw back in the David Choi. Sorry Seether; you guys rock, just not my 'Choi'ce right now (insert groan here).
I started thinking while I was on the ol' elliptical about some of the experiences you and I have been through since I got this site going on a regular basis and some of the discussions we've had. My thoughts continued to wander across some of my most favoritest web sites as of late and the things that I have learned by perusing them. I started feeling the love and a few of my own conclusions surfaced.
Before that, I have to tell you that this morning at the gym, in the locker room (close your eyes, ladies), looking in the mirror, I think I actually saw the beginnings of an abdominal muscle. Could've been a spot on the mirror, but I'm going to kid myself into thinking the gym is starting to pay off in more ways that just my now-mediocre cardio abilities.
Where were we?
Oh yah, the point of the post. One of the biggest impacts on my life has been the law of attraction. Call it the power of positive thinking, the Secret, Oprah's Book of the Month Club... whatever. I really believe that you get what you focus on and I have used positive suggestion to pull myself out of some pretty not fun places. It works.
So this morning as I was sweatin' away my troubles (ewwww), I just didn't have the energy to work up positive, but I did have enough energy to just give up. So I just let me be. I was soon overtaken by what I will now refer to as the Law of Surrender. It's not my law and it's not new, but I never really understood it before. The premise is very simple; give up and let it grow. Stop trying to be all things and control all things and just things be as they are. I simply let myself drop all my angst and expectations and worries and let the music and motion and memories take me away. By the time the workout was over, I still had no idea what was going to happen, but I knew that it was going to be okay. (yay growing experience!) And I knew that you would be here waiting for me.
Just so you know, it turned out to be another fantastic day in the life of Dee.
So here we finally get to the end of the story, dear reader(s). Thank you for helping me grow enough to trust that things will be okay, even when I get myself all worked up. Thank you for helping me work through the mess that is the mind of me (I still prefer editing) and for showing me the marvelous things that can happen when you just let go. Ride the moment. Enjoy the loss of need for control or definition. I certainly do not want us to give up, but I do want us to remember to surrender a little more often.